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I'm not sure where to begin with this. It's 4:19 am right now and having millions of varying thoughts running through one's mind doesn't exactly encourage sleep so lets just go with whatever comes to mind first, and if this makes sense, great....and if not...then not I guess

I guess when I think of the situation as a whole the first thing I think was I gave RRC my best shot through the testing they required, studied, stayed up to date on current events, all the things it suggested, and still failed. I'm not sure what a person says to oneself for encouragement or any kind of uplifting or positive emotion when you put your heart into something and have it not turn out the way you want. It also makes me ponder personally, if my best wasn't good enough for RRC, how do I know my best will be good enough to get me good grades at ACC, and if not, then what do I do? I can remember as far back as age 12 telling myself I didn't want to be some average joe doing whatever job. Be a part of "the system" wake up, go to work, sit at desk, come home, go to bed, and repeat.

I find myself feeling so tired (no not because it's after 4 am) but just tired and drained in all aspects. Life since the new year, and pretty much all of December has been very stressful for varying reasons. I've tried to put on a brave face and act like life is all fine, while at the same time trying to work at things that I felt were important to me, but none of it has turned out, not even close. You try so hard to strive for certain things, while acting like life is all peachy, and putting on a happy face while around friends. I find myself when I'm out and about, having my head a millions miles away with various thoughts and concerns and trying so damn hard to think of various solutions or steps to improve things, or at least deal with things that aren't the way I'd like them to be, only to wind up empty handed every time. I just wish there was, as cheesy as it sounds, to have a person to rest a head on, and have them say everything will be okay - but admittedly, I probably wouldn't believe them given the way things have transpired over the past while.

I've been thinking to myself since I found out that my RRC application was turned down, trying to sort out all the things I'm either afraid of, unsure of or basically anything thats triggering a negative emotion within me, this is what I have so far.

1. My dog, Bert is getting quite old. I got her when I was in the 7th grade, and I'd feel awful if something happened to her if I wasn't here. I know it may not make a lot of sense, I can't explain it really but I just feel as though there would be a feeling of guilt on my part if something was to happen and I wasn't here. I'd love if I could find a way to take her with me not just for that, but for having at least some kind of companion especially at the start. I know it's slim and none for this to actually happen, but it would make life a bit easier

2. Money. I've done not to bad in my saving since I decided this is what I wanted to do, but I still have a fair bit to go and I really don't know if I am going to get there in time. Various people within my family have said they would help what they could but I really don't want to depend on that, while I obviously would appreciate any efforts. Outside of my bus pass, gym membership and dog food, my expenses are next to nothing, and it still may not be enough despite my best efforts (hey, that sounds familiar)

3. Friends. I'm really, really scared of losing touch with a number of my good friends. I know all the cliche's about friends and what not, but lets not kid ourselves, things do change whether we like them or not, and falling out of touch or losing those that I enjoy talking with and seeing. I know ACC isn't that far, but, and I suppose this ties in with the money part but I know I can't be coming back every weekend, or every 2nd weekend for that matter just because of travel costs, ontop of that even if I could I'd have to be selective in who I had time to see, and furthermore, it would make leaving when it was time to go back, more and more of a struggle. No win situation it would seem, or feel like anyways at the moment. I know meeting new friends out there would likely come, but that is little consolation, at least at the moment anyways.

(Sleep)

4. Home. Whenever I'm out, whether it be work, friends, or whatever, I know whenever I get in I'm going to have 3 dogs barking their heads off at me as soon as they hear the door open. When I get "home" in Brandon, thats not going to happen, and while sometimes it drives me nuts to have everyone barking, I can't imagine my life without that.

I guess when it comes down to it, at the moment my confidence is pretty much shot in many areas of my life. I've put my heart into a number of things, only to fail, and I'm afraid of failing at this. I'm afraid of not having enough money when the time comes, and I'm afraid of losing those most important to me. I know in life, sacrifices have to be made, challenges will be faced and life will be downright rough. I'm not sure at any point I would have been feeling like this, empty and scared, and tired, and not knowing what to do. Someone once told me, you don't need to have all the answers, or know all the answers, but it sure would help at this point. So I guess all I got right now is taking things a day at a time, and remaining hopeful, despite past events that things will get better. Time will tell I guess. Thanks for reading.

*big hugs*